A Walking Contradiction
"She's like if a motivational speaker decided to quit and just say what she wanted to say...funny and terrifying."
I recently signed up for a 5 week stand up comedy class through the public library (score!). I am a big proponent of the public library. It was my social club when I was a kid growing up in my teeny tiny town.
Yes, sitting in the general vicinity of other humans, while reading was, and is, my version of social.
I would check out way more books than I could realistically read before the due date, and become immersed in the lives of the characters. Ah, the good old days.
Last week in class, we were assigned an exercise where I had to ask people 4 questions:
What is / was the first thing you notice(d) about me?
What did you think of me when you first met me?
How would you describe me to a stranger? be honest.
What is something that surprised you when meeting me?
Because I am a scholar to the core and could never *not* do a homework assignment, I started reaching out to people, some who’ve known me for a decade, and others who’ve known me for a year, to get their answers.
I made sure to note it was for a stand up comedy class, which I think helped increase the response rate. Always say you’re a student (of life?). People love to help students.
The answers were not exactly surprising, because if there’s one thing I know, it’s myself, but it was enlightening, and surprisingly really… calming/reassuring? to hear how people perceived me.
Since I’m hoping to create a community here, I figured I might as well just get straight to the point of what you’re getting into.
Funny enough that’s a similar proclamation that I made when I was on dating apps. Because I was tired of showing up to dates where men thought that the pale woman wearing black in every picture, never smiling, was going to be as bubbly as a flute of champagne, this is what lived on my dating profile:
“PSA THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I’m like if Wednesday Addams and Ryan Reynolds were one person. I’m a bit reserved and stoic upon first meeting. I’ll warm up to you, theoretically, you just gotta give me time.
They were WARNED. And yet I’d show up and they were spooked by Misses Spooky herself.
So take a peek at some of the answers and decide for yourself if you wanna hang out with me on the internet. YOU WERE WARNED.
What is / was the first thing you notice(d) about me?
What did you think of me when you first met me?
How would you describe me to a stranger? be honest.
What is something that surprised you when meeting me?
We also ended up doing this exercise in class, which was probably the most enlightening, as those people were strangers.
Because of how I dress I usually get people assuming I’m from New York or at least a city, not a town of 2000 where I had to go hike up a mountain to fix the water system.
But when the instructor asked “Describe Courtney’s partner” it was quite a plot twist.
I got:
Marilyn Manson
Entertainment attorney
A beautiful, tall woman
”Yes” Man
Blonde business woman in a suit
When asked if I gave off a “bisexual undertone” a woman answered that I seemed “too sophisticated” and “smart” to date a straight man.
Well, you’re not wrong sister- because I am. And that’s why I have been single and not wanting to mingle for the entirety of my adult life. Don’t worry, stick with me and we will get to those stories in due time.
The past few years I’ve felt disconnected from myself. The most jarring symptom was feeling like I wanted to go home. Home, meaning that tiny ass town that I couldn’t wait to get out of, where no one understood me and my goals far surpassed it’s 2000 person capacity.
Moving to LA was a lifelong goal but upon landing here it was a little nightmarish for the first 18 months. A lot of it was my doing, and I think a lot of it was just life.
Which is why I am on operation ‘back to my roots’ (both physically and metaphorically. Why didn’t anyone tell me I looked like I was cosplaying as a bale of hay when I was bleach blonde!?) and hopefully you’ll want to stick along for the ride.
There was a part of Beyonce’s 2020 commencement address that will probably both haunt and pseudo motivate me until the end of time.
She said “Don’t talk about it, be about it.”
To my credit, I learned to not talk about things. I don’t like being checked up on if I don’t have a good update (my dad likes to ask if I have gotten on TV yet. No dad I haven't, thank you for the reminder!) He lives in a land of delulu. I hope to visit someday soon. Secondly, I don’t want anyone else’s opinion on what I’m doing.
So I had the “don’t talk about it” DOWN, but I started to fumble with the ‘be about it’. Dear reader, I have not been about it. I have been thinking about it. But thinking about it is probably the worst thing I could have done. Thinking with no action? A literal horror movie.
I could give a very compelling and persuasive case as to why I haven't been about it, I am a writer after all- but at the end of the day, there is no excuse. I need to make things happen. This blog is one of the tools I’m using to get me to *be* about it. Maybe it’ll put some pep in your step, too.
I’m trying to be like Stella and get my groove back.
I am writing this blog for me, but also in the hopes that one person see’s themselves in something I say. And, of course, I always aim to entertain.
So here we are (If you haven’t noticed, I’m long winded). This is Mertyl. That was one of my nicknames from my grandpa, someone with his own great name, Verlun. Technically I was ‘Little Mert’ and my mom was ‘Big Mert’. But, as nicknames do, mine morphed into a second option, which was Mertyl.
Mertyl is going to be heavy on the storytelling (comedy infused, of course), plus thrifty bitch tips aka how to save money, DIY (which is also kind of a way to save money and be praised for being a control freak- leave it to me to find a loophole), pop culture commentary, some carefully curated recommendations- but more so hitting home the fact that you don’t need that. It’ll be funny, hopefully followed my inspiring, and relatable.
You can look forward to it landing in your inbox at least once a week on Wednesdays at 7pm. But I am hoping to pull a geyser and once the top blows off I won’t be able to contain myself. Cheers to the hopes of so much writing.
I will also be launching a podcast: It Gets Worse, and Other Things They Never Told You. You can find it in the menu of my Substack. The format will be rant adjacent- with me talking about things that happen to me as I’m moseying around the planet.
And that’s it for this kickoff post that I have been trying to write for 22 days. I told myself it was today by 7 OR ELSE.
That’s showbiz!
xx Court